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Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies, 4th (Romilla Ready, Kate Burton)(Z-Library)

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Change your behavior with neuro-linguistic programming Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is a psychological, practical, results-focused approach to understanding the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and how they shape the everyday reality that people experience. Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies walks you through the fundamentals of NLP, helping you gain insights into how and why you—and others—think, communicate (both verbally and non-verbally), and behave; often the result of early experiences, emotional conditioning, and unconscious beliefs formed over time. Understanding the patterns that you operate daily enables you to consciously do more of what works for you to create the results you want in your life and less of what gets in the way of your success. With this deeper understanding about yourself, your goals become more tailored to who you truly are—and more achievable as a result. By understanding how others operate, you can adjust the way you communicate to create deeper rapport and exercise greater trust, influence, and clarity. Inside: Effective, straightforward strategies to increase self-awareness, build confidence, and become a clearer communicator Techniques that, when combined with other forms of health- and self-care, can help you find relief from phobias, anxiety, and depression Clear descriptions of the central models and assumptions that underpin NLP Perfect for therapists, business coaches, counselors, and other helping professionals, Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies is also a must-read for busy executives, managers, entrepreneurs, and employees doing their best to navigate contemporary life.

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Neuro-linguistic Programming
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Neuro-linguistic Programming 4th Edition by Romilla Ready and Kate Burton
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Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies®, 4th Edition Published by: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774, www.wiley.com Copyright © 2026 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved, including rights for text and data mining and training of artificial technologies or similar technologies. Media and software compilation copyright © 2026 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved, including rights for text and data mining and training of artificial technologies or similar technologies. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without the prior written permission of the Publisher or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 750-4470, or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008, or online at http://www.wiley.com/ go/permissions. The manufacturer’s authorized representative according to the EU General Product Safety Regulation is Wiley-VCH GmbH, Boschstr. 12, 69469 Weinheim, Germany, e-mail: Product_Safety@wiley.com. Trademarks: Wiley, For Dummies, the Dummies Man logo, Dummies.com, Making Everything Easier, and related trade dress are trademarks or registered trademarks of John Wiley & Sons, Inc. and may not be used without written permission. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners. John Wiley & Sons, Inc. is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book. LIMIT OF LIABILITY/DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY: THE PUBLISHER AND THE AUTHOR MAKE NO REPRESENTATIONS OR WARRANTIES WITH RESPECT TO THE ACCURACY OR COMPLETENESS OF THE CONTENTS OF THIS WORK AND SPECIFICALLY DISCLAIM ALL WARRANTIES, INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION WARRANTIES OF FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.  NO WARRANTY MAY BE CREATED OR EXTENDED BY SALES OR PROMOTIONAL MATERIALS. THE ADVICE AND STRATEGIES CONTAINED HEREIN MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR EVERY SITUATION. THIS WORK IS SOLD WITH THE UNDERSTANDING THAT THE PUBLISHER IS NOT ENGAGED IN RENDERING LEGAL, ACCOUNTING, OR OTHER PROFESSIONAL SERVICES. IF PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED, THE SERVICES OF A COMPETENT PROFESSIONAL PERSON SHOULD BE SOUGHT.  NEITHER THE PUBLISHER NOR THE AUTHOR SHALL BE LIABLE FOR DAMAGES ARISING HEREFROM. THE FACT THAT AN ORGANIZATION OR WEBSITE IS REFERRED TO IN THIS WORK AS A CITATION AND/OR A POTENTIAL SOURCE OF FURTHER INFORMATION DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE AUTHOR OR THE PUBLISHER ENDORSES THE INFORMATION THE ORGANIZATION OR WEBSITE MAY PROVIDE OR RECOMMENDATIONS IT MAY MAKE. FURTHER, READERS SHOULD BE AWARE THAT INTERNET WEBSITES LISTED IN THIS WORK MAY HAVE CHANGED OR DISAPPEARED BETWEEN WHEN THIS WORK WAS WRITTEN AND WHEN IT IS READ. For general information on our other products and services, please contact our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 877-762-2974, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3993, or fax 317-572-4002. For technical support, please visit https://hub.wiley.com/community/support/dummies. Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-on-demand. If this book refers to media that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport. wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com. Library of Congress Control Number is available from the publisher. ISBN 978-1-394-38208-8 (pbk); ISBN 978-1-394-38210-1 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-394-38209-5 (ebk)
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Contents at a Glance Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Part 1: Getting Started with NLP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 CHAPTER 1: Getting to Know Neuro-linguistic Programming . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 CHAPTER 2: Identifying Some Basic NLP Assumptions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 CHAPTER 3: Discovering Who’s Directing Your Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 CHAPTER 4: Taking Charge of Your Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Part 2: Winning Friends and Influencing People . . . . . . . . . . . . 81 CHAPTER 5: Seeing, Hearing, and Feeling Your Way to Better Communication . . . . 83 CHAPTER 6: Creating Rapport . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103 CHAPTER 7: Understanding to Be Understood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125 CHAPTER 8: Pushing the Communication Buttons . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147 Part 3: Opening the Toolkit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 163 CHAPTER 9: Dropping Anchors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165 CHAPTER 10: Sliding the Controls of Your Experience . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181 CHAPTER 11: Working with the Logical Levels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197 CHAPTER 12: Driving Habits: Uncovering Your Secret Programs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 215 CHAPTER 13: Traveling in Time to Improve Your Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 233 CHAPTER 14: Ensuring Smooth Running Below Decks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 249 Part 4: Using Words to Captivate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261 CHAPTER 15: Getting to the Heart of the Matter: The Meta Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 263 CHAPTER 16: Unleashing the Power of Hypnosis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 277 CHAPTER 17: Telling Tales to Reach the Unconscious: Stories, Fables, and Metaphors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 291 CHAPTER 18: Asking the Right Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 307 Part 5: Integrating Your Learning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 325 CHAPTER 19: Dipping into Modeling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 327 CHAPTER 20: Making Change Easier . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 345 Part 6: The Part of Tens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 367 CHAPTER 21: Ten Applications of NLP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 369 CHAPTER 22: Ten Books to Add to Your Library . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 381 CHAPTER 23: Ten Films and TV Series That Demonstrate NLP in Action . . . . . . . . . . 385 Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 397
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Table of Contents vii Table of Contents INTRODUCTION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 About This Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 Foolish Assumptions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 Icons Used in This Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 Beyond the Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .4 Where to Go From Here . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .4 PART 1: GETTING STARTED WITH NLP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 CHAPTER 1: Getting to Know Neuro-linguistic Programming . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Introducing NLP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8 Providing a few quick definitions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Considering where NLP started and where it’s going . . . . . . . . . . .10 Offering a note on integrity and evidence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 Encountering the Pillars of NLP: Straight Up and Straightforward . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12 Discovering Models and Modeling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14 Employing the NLP communication model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14 Modeling excellence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 Using NLP to Greater Effect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 Understanding that attitude comes first . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 Being curious and confused are good for you . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 Changing is up to you . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 Having fun on the way! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 CHAPTER 2: Identifying Some Basic NLP Assumptions . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Introducing NLP Presuppositions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20 The map is not the territory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20 People respond according to their map of the world . . . . . . . . . . .22 There is no failure, only feedback . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 The meaning of communication is the response it elicits . . . . . . . .25 If what you’re doing isn’t working, do something different . . . . . . .26 You cannot not communicate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .28 Individuals have all the resources they need to achieve their desired outcomes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29 Every behavior has a positive intent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .30 People are much more than their behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31 The mind and body are interlinked and affect each other . . . . . . .32 Having choice is better than not having choice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .34 Modeling successful performance leads to excellence . . . . . . . . . .35 Final Words on Presuppositions: Give Them a Whirl . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .35
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viii Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies CHAPTER 3: Discovering Who’s Directing Your Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 Grasping How Your Fears Can Drive You in the Wrong Direction . . . .38 Distinguishing between conscious and unconscious . . . . . . . . . . . .39 Understanding your quirky unconscious mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .39 Delving inside the Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .42 Looking at the three key parts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43 Recognizing neuroplasticity as the basis for development . . . . . . .43 Tracking Information: Your Reticular Activating System . . . . . . . . . . . .44 Examining How Memories Are Created . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .46 Encountering post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) . . . . . . . . . . . .47 Handling phobias . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .48 Employing the NLP Fast Phobia Cure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .48 Accepting That Beliefs and Values Make a Difference . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50 Getting to grips with the power of beliefs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50 Working with your values . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .53 Daydreaming Your Future Reality . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .57 CHAPTER 4: Taking Charge of Your Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Taking Control of Your Memory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .59 Seeing It Because You Believe It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .61 Focusing on blaming others . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .62 Getting stuck in a problem frame . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .63 Shifting into the outcome frame . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .64 Following the Path to Excellence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .65 Knowing what you want . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .65 Designing goals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .66 Spinning the Wheel of Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .67 Becoming smarter than SMART: Creating well-formed outcomes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .68 Staying motivated and taking consistent daily action . . . . . . . . . . .75 Dream: What do you want? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .76 Order: Which goal is your priority? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .77 Draw: Create right-brain imagery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .77 Why: Identify what motivates you . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .78 When: Over what period of time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .78 How: What actions will be needed? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .78 Who: Whose help will you require? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .79 PART 2: WINNING FRIENDS AND INFLUENCING PEOPLE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 81 CHAPTER 5: Seeing, Hearing, and Feeling Your Way to Better Communication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83 Getting to Grips with the Senses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .84 Filtering reality . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .86 Hearing how people are thinking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .88
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Table of Contents ix Listening to the World of Words . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .90 Taking a glimpse into the world of synesthesia . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91 Building rapport through words . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .92 Bringing on the translators . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .94 Acknowledging the Importance of the Eyes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .96 Making the VAK System Work for You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .100 CHAPTER 6: Creating Rapport . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103 Knowing Why Rapport Is Important . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .104 Recognizing rapport when you see it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .105 Identifying people with whom you want to build rapport . . . . . . .105 Introducing Basic Techniques for Building Rapport . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .108 Sharpening your rapport following eight quick tips . . . . . . . . . . . .109 Viewing the communication wheel and developing rapport . . . .109 Matching and mirroring . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .111 Pacing to lead other people successfully . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .113 Building rapport in the virtual world . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .114 Knowing How to Break Rapport and Why You May Want To . . . . . . .116 Discovering how to break rapport sensitively . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .117 Grasping the power of the word but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .118 Understanding Other Points of View . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .120 Exploring perceptual positions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .120 Looking into the NLP meta-mirror . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .121 CHAPTER 7: Understanding to Be Understood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125 Getting to Grips with Meta-Program Basics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .126 Looking at meta programs and language patterns . . . . . . . . . . . .127 Exploring meta programs and behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .128 Being Proactive/Reactive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .129 Moving Toward/Away From . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .131 Discovering Options/Procedures . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .134 Delving into the Internal/External . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .135 Going Global/Detailed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .137 Recognizing Sameness, Sameness with Difference, and Difference . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .139 Tackling Time Perspectives . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .142 Combining Meta Programs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .145 Developing Your Meta-Program Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .145 CHAPTER 8: Pushing the Communication Buttons . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147 Understanding the Process of Communication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .149 Scenario 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .150 Scenario 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .150
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x Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies Introducing the NLP Communication Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .151 Processing pieces of information . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .151 Getting to grips with individual responses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .155 Giving Effective Communication a Try . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .162 PART 3: OPENING THE TOOLKIT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 163 CHAPTER 9: Dropping Anchors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165 Starting Out with NLP Anchors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .166 Setting an anchor and building yourself a resourceful state . . . .167 Eliciting and calibrating states . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .169 Developing your own repertoire of anchors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .171 Recognizing your own anchors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .171 Going through the Emotions: Sequencing States . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .173 Altering states with anchors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .173 Getting with the baroque beat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .174 Walking in someone else’s shoes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .175 Becoming Sophisticated with Anchors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .176 Changing negative anchors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .176 Deploying stage anchors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .178 A Final Point about Anchors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .180 CHAPTER 10: Sliding the Controls of Your Experience . . . . . . . . . . . . 181 Recording Your Experiences with Your Submodalities . . . . . . . . . . . .182 Grasping the Basic Info: What You Need to Know Before You Begin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .183 Associating or dissociating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .184 Defining the details of your memories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .185 Getting a little practice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .188 Understanding Your Critical Submodalities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .189 Making Real-Life Changes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .191 Removing the pain from an experience . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .191 Changing a limiting belief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .191 Creating an empowering belief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .193 Getting rid of that backache . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .193 Using the swish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .194 CHAPTER 11: Working with the Logical Levels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197 Understanding Logical Levels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .198 Asking the right questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .199 Taking logical levels step-by-step . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .200 Employing practical uses for logical levels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .202 Finding the Right Lever for Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .202 Environment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .203 Behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .204
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Table of Contents xi Capabilities and skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .205 Beliefs and values . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .207 Identity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .209 Purpose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .210 Figuring Out Other People’s Levels: Language and Logical Levels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .211 Teambuilding at Work and Play: A Logical Levels Exercise . . . . . . . . .212 CHAPTER 12: Driving Habits: Uncovering Your Secret Programs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 215 Witnessing the Evolution of Strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .216 The S–R model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .216 The TOTE model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .217 The NLP strategy = TOTE + modalities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .217 The NLP strategy model in action . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .218 The Eyes Have It: Recognizing Another’s Strategy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .220 Flexing Your Strategy Muscles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .221 Linking strategies and the logical levels model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .221 Acquiring new capabilities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .222 Recoding your programs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .224 Grasping the importance of the “how” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .224 Using NLP Strategies for Love and Success . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .226 Loving the deep love strategy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .226 Influencing people with strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .228 Spelling out the NLP spelling strategy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .229 CHAPTER 13: Traveling in Time to Improve Your Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . 233 Understanding How Your Memories Are Organized . . . . . . . . . . . . . .235 Discovering Your Timeline . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .236 Changing Your Timeline . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .238 Traveling Along Your Timeline to a Happier You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .241 Releasing negative emotions and limiting decisions . . . . . . . . . . .241 Finding forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .244 Comforting the younger you . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .245 Getting rid of anxiety . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .246 Creating a better future . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .247 CHAPTER 14: Ensuring Smooth Running Below Decks . . . . . . . . . . . . 249 Getting to Grips with a Hierarchy of Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .250 Drifting from Wholeness to Parts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .251 Understanding a part’s intentions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .252 Getting to the heart of the problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .252 Help! I’m in Conflict with Myself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .253 Listening to your unconscious mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .254 Taking sides . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .254
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xii Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies Becoming Whole: Integrating Your Parts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .255 Trying the visual squash technique . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .255 Reframing — As if . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .257 Resolving Bigger Conflicts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .259 PART 4: USING WORDS TO CAPTIVATE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261 CHAPTER 15: Getting to the Heart of the Matter: The Meta Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 263 Gathering Specific Information with the Meta Model . . . . . . . . . . . . .265 Deletion — You’re so vague . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .266 Generalization — Beware of always, must, and should . . . . . . . . .269 Distortion — That touch of imagination . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .272 Using the Meta Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .273 Taking two simple steps . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .274 Remembering a few caveats . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .275 CHAPTER 16: Unleashing the Power of Hypnosis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 277 Discovering the Language of Trance: The Milton Model . . . . . . . . . . .278 Comparing language patterns and the Milton Model . . . . . . . . . .279 Meeting other aspects of the Milton Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .280 Finding your own preferred model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .282 Understanding the art of vagueness and why it’s important . . . .282 Going Deeper into Hypnosis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .284 Becoming comfortable with the idea of hypnosis . . . . . . . . . . . . .285 Experiencing everyday trances . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .288 CHAPTER 17: Telling Tales to Reach the Unconscious: Stories, Fables, and Metaphors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 291 Processing Stories and Metaphors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .292 Understanding the Stories of Your Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .292 Getting to grips with storytelling basics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .292 Working on your storytelling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .293 Passing on a gift to the next generation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .295 Grasping the Power of Metaphors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .296 Using metaphors in NLP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .296 Applying metaphors to find new solutions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .297 Employing direct and indirect metaphors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .299 Building Your Own Stories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .300 Using the personal story builder journal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .300 Discovering more ways to flex your storytelling muscles . . . . . . .302 Using subtle persuasion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .303 Adding loops to your story: And this reminds me of . . . . . . . . . . .304
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Table of Contents xiii CHAPTER 18: Asking the Right Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 307 Question-Asking Tips and Strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .308 Cleaning up your language: Removing bias . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .308 Recognizing that the way you behave is what counts . . . . . . . . . .313 Pressing the pause button . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .314 Testing your questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .315 Making positive statements the norm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .315 Figuring Out What You Want . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .315 What do I want? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .316 What’s that going to do for me? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .316 Asking Questions to Help Make Decisions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .317 Challenging Limiting Beliefs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .318 Finding the Right Person for the Job: A Question of Motivation . . . . . .320 What do you want in your work? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .321 Why is that important? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .321 How do you know that you’ve done a good job? . . . . . . . . . . . . . .321 Why did you choose your current line of work? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .322 Checking In with Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .323 PART 5: INTEGRATING YOUR LEARNING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 325 CHAPTER 19: Dipping into Modeling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 327 Developing New Skills through Modeling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .328 Recognizing that modeling is a natural human talent . . . . . . . . . .331 Getting to a deeper structure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .332 Discovering Modeling Case Studies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .333 The reluctant exemplar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .333 The rainmakers’ dance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .335 Key Stages in Modeling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .336 Knowing your modeling outcome . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .336 Identifying your exemplar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .337 Finding a modeling method you can work with . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .338 Gathering your data . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .339 Building your model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .340 Testing the prototype . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .341 Refining for simplicity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .341 CHAPTER 20: Making Change Easier . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 345 Finding Clarity and Direction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .346 Understanding the Structure of Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .347 The Kübler-Ross grief cycle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .348 Applying the NLP logical levels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .350 Holding On to Values . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .356 Grasping the Importance of Clear Communication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .356
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xiv Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies Creating the Mindset for Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .358 Letting go of fear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .358 Being willing to experiment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .361 Getting Help on the Way . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .362 Strengthening resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .362 Pacing the future . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .362 Planning the road map . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .363 Taking One Step Forward . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .364 Making that initial move . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .364 Celebrating and gaining closure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .364 PART 6: THE PART OF TENS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 367 CHAPTER 21: Ten Applications of NLP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 369 Developing Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .369 Managing Your Personal and Professional Relationships . . . . . . . . . .370 Negotiating a Win–Win Solution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .371 Motivating and Leading Staff . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .372 Creating Powerful Presentations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .373 Managing Your Time and Precious Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .375 Being Coached to Success . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .375 Using NLP to Support Your Health . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .376 Connecting to Your Audience: Advice for Trainers and Educators . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .378 Getting the Best Job for You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .380 CHAPTER 22: Ten Books to Add to Your Library . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 381 Changing Belief Systems with NLP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .381 The User’s Manual for the Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .382 Core Transformation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .382 Frogs into Princes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .382 Influencing with Integrity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .382 An Insider’s Guide to Sub-Modalities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .383 The Magic of Metaphor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .383 Metaphors We Live By . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .383 Persuasion Skills Black Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .384 Presenting Magically . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .384 CHAPTER 23: Ten Films and TV Series That Demonstrate NLP in Action . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 385 A Complete Unknown . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .385 Avatar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .386 Conclave . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .388 Ferris Bueller’s Day Off . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .388
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Table of Contents xv Dune . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .390 Field of Dreams . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .391 Forrest Gump . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .391 Ted Lasso . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .392 Inside Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .393 Stand and Deliver . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .394 INDEX . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 397
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Introduction 1 Introduction Welcome to the fourth edition of Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies, which is packed with ideas and tips to increase your success and happiness. Most likely, you’re reading this book because you’ve heard neuro-linguistic programming (NLP throughout this book) mentioned as you go about your daily life — in companies, colleges, and coffee shops. We wrote the original version of this book because our experience of NLP transformed our own lives. We wanted to ignite the spark of curiosity in others about what’s pos- sible with NLP. We also believed that the time had come for NLP to move away from academic- and business-speak to real-life plain English to be used by all people who want to make improvements in their lives. In recent years, we’ve witnessed NLP growing ever more popular. Part of this popularity is because NLP offers enlightening “aha!” moments, and part is because it simply makes sense. As we celebrate 50 years of NLP, one of the true contributions of NLP has been to show people that they have choices: They can manage their emotional states, and they can make changes to their lives. It has also demystified the notion (and limitations) of innate talent by demonstrating that you can study excellence in any field. Yet the term NLP can be off-putting and the associated jargon may present a barrier to non-NLP professionals. So a little explanation is required: » Neuro relates to what’s happening in your mind. » Linguistic refers not only to the words you use in your communication but also your body language and how you use it. » Programming tackles the persistent patterns of behavior, both effective and ineffective, that you learn and then repeat. Some people describe NLP as “the study of the structure of subjective experience”; others call it “the art and science of communication.” We prefer to say that NLP enables you to understand what makes you tick: how you think, how you feel, and how you make sense of everyday life in the world around you. Armed with this understanding, your whole life — work and play — can be renewed. It’s hard to believe that the first edition of this book was published in 2004, more than two decades ago. Over this period, Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies has presented us with amazing opportunities, primarily in the form of clients who’ve shared their lives, problems, and successes with us. We’ve had the chance
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2 Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies to develop these ideas into a range of workshops and coaching programs for different audiences. In this fresh edition, we incorporate some lessons from our more recent work and life experiences as well as from the other books we’ve written in the For Dummies series on coaching, confidence, and career change. In particular, some of the biggest developments that we refer to in this updated edi- tion are in the field of neuroscience, where technology such as brain imaging is constantly increasing knowledge and possibilities. The magic of NLP is joining with the rigor of neuroscience. Thanks to social media and the digital world, the way people connect and communicate has also changed dramatically in recent years, which makes understanding how to build rapport and manage relationships even more important. In particular, the COVID-19 pandemic encouraged more people to connect with friends and family online when travel and physical meet- ings weren’t possible. As the global world in which we live evolves, we hope you find more new ideas here to help you mitigate the negative effects of stress and have fun experimenting with and applying the tools in the NLP toolkit. About This Book This book aims to entrance anyone fascinated by people. Through its experiential approach, NLP encourages people to take action to shape their own lives. It attracts those willing to “have a go” and open their minds to new possibilities. We try to make NLP friendly, pragmatic, accessible, and useful for you. We expect you to be able to dip into the book at any chapter and quickly find practical ideas on how to use NLP to resolve issues or make changes for yourself. In displaying the NLP “market stall,” our choice of content is selective. We aim to offer an enticing menu if you’re a newcomer. And for those with more knowledge, we hope this book helps you to digest what you already know as well as treating you to some new ideas and applications. To that end, we make finding informa- tion such as the following easy for you: » How to discover what’s important to you so that you can pursue your goals with energy and conviction. » What the main NLP presuppositions are and why they’re important to you. » What the best ways are to understand other people’s style, helping you to get your own message heard. » When to build rapport and when to break it. » How to get your unconscious mind to work together with your conscious mind to make a strong team.
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